In a startling turn of events, it has come to light that Time Warner Cable, the media giant, has fed all of Africa with their profits, but only did so in order to impress a hot chick named Sara O’Connell.
Time Warner Cable, worth an estimated bajillion dollars, donated three gajillion dollars to help feed the entire continent of Africa (including Egypt). The nutritional packs were scattered all over the immense landscape. In a rather strange turn of events, Jeffrey L Bewkes, Chairman and CEO, revealed in an interview that the entire company simply donated just to impress Sara O’Connell, a girl who works down the street from Time Warner headquarters as a hostess. “She’s so pretty,” stated Henry Foster, a social media analyst at Time Warner. “I’d donate my wife and kids if I thought it’d impress her.”
Sara O’Connell has been working down the street as a hostess at the local pub for several months now. Time Warner Cable has not seemed to strike up enough courage to speak to her though. “No of course I haven’t spoken to her,” said the media conglomerate. “I mean, like, why would she want to talk? Stop already it’s embarrassing!” Despite Sara being an up and coming actress, Time Warner Cable has not even used its leverage to find her an acting gig. “That would be wrong, she’d probably just use the connection and then be gone. Gotta play this cooler. Seem more upstanding.” Feeding all of Africa seemed like the logical choice, but everyone in the United States saw right through that.
Many have been very outspoken as opponents to this. “I think the food she be taken back,” said a random passerby. “I mean it’s such a selfish reason, it’s like the Africans aren’t eating anyways. It’s ok to call them Africans right?” That is simply the opinion of one racist person. But another woman on the street said she was starting a petition to have all of the food returned. “Give it back. Otherwise Time Warner will have this whole feeling of superiority. We can’t let them have that. Let them sit on their money.” Time Warner has made no comment on whether or not they will ask for the food back until they are mature enough to give the food for selfless reasons. But mainly because the entire company is staring out the window at Sara O’Connell. Her shift just started.
*On a side note, millions of Africans are still hungry and Sara is apparently seeing the douche bartender at her pub.