December 29, 2012 Leave a comment
Last night, Santa Claus had his most important night of the year: the night where he gives gifts to all Christian children of the world in one night, so that when they wake up, they realize their goodness had paid off. And all he ever asks for in return is some milk and cookies. Apparently the MacDonald family of Nashville, Tennessee forgot the age old tradition of putting out milk and cookies before bed time.
“It had been a hectic couple of days for us,” stated familial patriarch Jerry MacDonald. “My mom went to the hospital, some of our gifts arrived here from Amazon at the last second, and our turkey had spoiled. It must have just slipped our minds.” Or so he says. But apparently Santa does not see it that way. “I work all year round to reward your children. And do I ask for reimbursement, hugs, kisses, a night with your wife? NO! All I ask for is milk and cookies! You fucking douchebag!”
As we spoke with the jolly ol’ man his cheeks became rosier and rosier. But not because of Christmas spirit. It was because of anger. “They probably think I’m fat and I should be happy with the cookies I was given by every OTHER house on the block. Well fuck you MacDonalds. I will never visit your house again.” Santa has vowed to never return to the house stating that a milk and cookie toll is the ‘easiest fucking thing in the world to do,’ and that ‘making sure animals without wings can fly is not.’