John Boehner a Premature Ejaculator? Yep.

"Sigh" of Relief

Pretty recently, John Boehner turned heads when he made the “sigh heard round the world.”  This, pictured to the right, ‘came’ after the debt ceiling debates when he walked into an elevator and sighed the night away.  Most thought it was a fake attempt to show incredible release of stress after an incredibly stressful experience.  What people did not know, was that it was not because of the debt ceiling debates.  It was for a promise of sex from his wife Deborah.

Yes you heard it here folks.  The only reason our debt ceiling debates were solved was because of a promise of sex for our ‘beloved’ Speaker of the House John Boehner.  Americans suspected Boehner’s premature-ness for some time now.  The first was in 2006, when an interviewer asked Boehner if he believed Barack Obama’s run for the presidency was a bit ‘premature.’  Boehner replied with “You think THAT’S premature… I mean yes it definitely is.”   That comment raised eyebrows but was soon forgotten because of the crazy political climate at the time.

Then there were a few times during congressional sessions when Boehner would stand up and call to order all of Congress, and there were noticeable white stains on the front of his pants.  They rarely serve clam chowder in the Congressional dining hall, way less than the amount of times he said it was clam chowder anyhow.

But it became more than just gossip when Boehner’s wife Deborah said to the media that she was “sick and tired of his damn debt ceiling debate.  It needs to end immediately.”  She also stated that “[she] will jump his bones so hard, they’ll be ground to dust.  But only if these debates end.”  Within three days, a deal was reached.  Which leads us to the picture at hand.

On his way out of finalizing the debt ceiling plan, he told reporters his first course of action was to “slay” his wife.  But apparently the thought of doing so was too much to bear.  He could barely make it to the elevator before he let out a premature “sigh” of relief.  That relief created the most awkward elevator ride in the history of Congress.  And instead of going home, Boehner stayed in his office and cried himself to sleep.  That last part is not really a rare occurrence but it’s more frequently because someone talked about “the kids.”  Nothing specific, just a broad generalization of “the kids.”