January 3, 2012 Leave a comment
For those of you paying attention to the race in Iowa, as I’m sure every American is, you know it has been a heated battle. Whether people have been running a so-called “dirty” campaign, shaking hands like crazy, or making it rain, all of the presidential hopefuls have one thing in common: they’re bringing their Iowan A-game.
Each candidate is attempting to make themselves over to appeal to the average Iowan voter. And those steps have been brought about by one man. His name is Charles Klitter. He is an unemployed Iowan who has apparently tricked each candidate into thinking he’s an “Iowa Scientist.” The term scientist is typically used to back up fake facts by many politicians. These politicians were dooped by their own trick.
The first step was to get rid of the suits. The suits are an ultimate reminder of the “establishment” and the money Iowans don’t have. So they were all walking around Iowa in overalls, a straw hat, and a piece of straw coming out of their mouths. Klitter told them they had to look like Mark Twain, despite the fact Mark Twain is from Mississippi. Next step was to only allow their words to be two syllables at the most. They can use certain three syllable words, but only one per sentence. Otherwise they will lose their crowd. And the final thing was to relate everything to corn. It didn’t matter if it’s the economy, war, or even abortion. It needs to involve corn somehow. Or cornholing.
Only time will tell who transformed themselves into the ultimate Iowan King and can become The Biggest Loser. Sorry. Watching the Biggest Loser right now.
*Editor’s Note: As we were finishing this article it was down to Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney with 99% of the vote in. It really is a battle of mediocrity.